In 1991 my parents finally accepted that I enjoyed football and that it wasn't just a pretend game that I had made up and was telling them about. Little did they know that the rocky waters of vegetarianism lay just around the corner and that this uncouth sporting phenomena would soon be a non issue by comparison.
In an attempt to embrace my enthusiasm for the sport, my mother, out of love, bought me the 1976 Aston Villa annual. Retrospectively , this has proved to be a vintage item containing fascinatingly out of date journalism. It is with un-bridled joy that I read of the sale of Chico Hamilton in contemporary context, knowing that the now forgotten striker bagged 48 goals for the club is a source of retro intrigue to me.
However in 1991 I was 11 and my mother had handed me a football album that was 15 years out of date and about a club that I didn't support. As I received the offending item with a confused but grateful smile I was confronted by a massive picture of Andy Gray's thunking great head on the front cover.
It struck me like...well, like Andy Gray's head. His receding hair line, 70's mullet and empty grin immediately made me feel as if an Aston Villa kit clad mental patient had burst into my room and started to rape me whilst rattling off a running commentary of events.
As a consequence, I don't really like Andy Gray, or Aston Villa, or being raped.
Ever since then, Andy Gray has been slowly creeping into my life. He suddenly popped up pitch side with a microphone a few years ago which I recall finding quite unsettling...then into the commentary box...then out of no-where he was gabbling on every time I turned on the PS2, with commentary so out of context to the game play that it could really have been him....
As his fame peaked, it is no surprise to me that the Corinthians faltered. His dull droning voice rotting our enthusiasm for the game, gradually forcing Cenamor into an early retirement with depression, Finnegan's legs were so upset, they refused to work any more and Brown's bones went brittle. It's all Andy Gray's fault.
The good news is of course, that he's been sacked for....well, for being Andy Gray and has killed himself.
.
.
.
.
I mean, not got a new job yet, he could never kill himself, how would he do it? His head is indestructible and he hasn't got a heart.
Free from the shackles of Andy Gray, a new look Corinthians stepped out to face a first derivative team who have in recent times has the better of us.
Lewis
Knight
Ahmed
Lisk
Dante
Tjaadstra
After a short bedding in period, the football was electric.
Highlights included:
Lisk pulling a pass back from the corner for Lewis to wrong foot the keeper and sweep into the net first time (a highlight on the merit of it being so unlikely).
Dante zipping across the park to deliver tackles so crunching you could actually hear bones fracture.
Knight launching rockets from the half way line that left the first derivative keeper with smoke on his gloves.
The sight of Ahmed in full flow, a fitness the Corinthian have not since....well....ever
Tjaadstra, ever the journalist, quizzing Waz after the game......
Waz: 'we'll be playing at a different pitch next season, not sure where yet'.
TJ: Where?
TJ: Will it be near here?
Waz: hopefully, should be near
TJ: Will it be long before it's sorted?
Waz: shouldn't be
TJ: What kind of pitch will it be?
Waz: um
TJ: will it be a similar size to this one?
At that point I left as I could feel Waz's pain, and it hurt.
So in short, a 5-2 victory which should have been more.
We're back and Andy Gray is gone.
A co-incidence? I think not.
