Corinthians 15 - 1 Allen & Overy Victory 10/12/09

The first ever premier league goal was scored by Brian Deane. Proof positive that the most glamorous footballing institutions do not always begin that way and are instead often punctuated by a useless twat or a something as impressive as a discarded old sock.

(It is worth noting that if anyone has ever wondered why Middlesboro never managed to achieve the lofty goals promised by the early Brian Robson side, the fact that Robson is a useless, dithering alcoholic aside, in 1998 they signed Brian Deane from Benfica for 3 times what Benfica had paid for him just one year and 18 games earlier.)

In days gone by the Corinthians were supported by an overweight Egyptian/German who’s modus operandi was simply to run at the nearest opponent and smash him into the side walling. Not out of malice, but because he was too fat to curb his enthusiasm so to speak and momentum would drive both him and his victim through the nearest solid wall. Equally the Attlee youth centre on first impressions looks a little like a monkey house that has been converted to help the local youth find community. The pitch has on occasion been more suited to wearing a high visibility jacket and collecting the rubbish strewn about the place than it has the beautiful game.

And then came the Corinthians…..


Thursday night was a lesson in football to any who understand the game. Keiran Gardner topped the pre game headlines with a long awaited return from Australia, raising serious questions of the clubs flexible holidays policy. The clubs fortunes have far from dipped in his absence, but his return was met with much optimism.

Early signs implied that the Australian football prowess had somewhat rubbed off on him. The ever forthright Dave Brown stating post match…’you were terrible for the opening 2 minutes’. When it is considered that Gardner controlled 30% of the games possession and scored a hatful of goals, not considering assists, it seems an unfair summary of events. However these are the high standards we have come to expect. Welcome back Keiran, though do keep an eye out for your agent Olly Nevill, who may already be planning to sell you to a side in Uzbekistan to further line his pockets with transfer fees.

A 15-1 victory saw the boys in blue keeping possession for up to 5 minutes at a time; stroking the ball confidently from side to side; and never shirking the ball. It was competent football, packed with tight marking, tight passing and silken pre-booze George Best show boating.

Highlights of the evening were Cenamor’s early solo effort, Lewis’s defence splitting reverse pass for a Cenamor strike, Cenamor again with a half way howitzer and Gardner’s early goal off the wall-then-post.

Second only to this - at 13 nil, Gomez’s ever urgent one-to-one chat with the defence to attempt to shore us up for the inevitable come back? Which incidentally resulted in a goal for the opposition within about 30 seconds…..and an explosive reaction from the keeper.

There were goals for Finnegan and Brown as well, only Lewis was left out in the cold, or rather should be left out in the cold until he learns to kick the ball in a straight line.

Allen & Overy were left laughing at their own inability to get hold of the ball, remaining polite and well mannered throughout. This is the type of sporting mentality that we have come to expect from the Thursday league, though was a little like smiling and having a cup of tea whilst someone rapes your wife.

Onward, but upward? Can 20 goals really be scored in one 40 minute game? Perhaps the ever creeping return of one Andy Towning will help reach this lofty goal……..but probably not unless he scores them all himself - never having passed a football in his life unless it was into the back of the net.

Corinthians 8 - Attlee 03/12/09 Victory

The Christmas period has traditionally taken its toll on the fitness and indeed the focus of the average non professional footballing outfits.

Speaking of outfits, in the pre game changing room nonsense which has come to punctuate Corinthians games Dave Brown found a unique way to save on washing powder by identifying a stray pair of what appeared to be swimming shorts and choosing saving on washing over his visual appearance on the field of play…..then politely replaced them on the same hook that he found them on once he was done.

It is also no secret that the Corinthians are not strangers to taking their eye off the ball, often mid game and in the literal sense.

Attlee though were unlikely to pose a real threat especially under the weight of a 17 nil drubbing the previous week which was the footballing equivalent of that scene in Casino where ‘Dominic’ and ‘Nicky’ are beaten with baseball bats and buried alive. That said after initially dominating the game with debutant Kristan adding guile to the gusto as the Christmas middle class white man fatness kicked in Attlee got their heads and tails up.

If that bunch of recovering young offenders can keep putting performances like their latter 20 minutes on Thursday then in a year or two we will all fear the games against these boys, they are a talented bunch and their abilities deserve annotation. Equally it is no small co-incidence that the game swing the way of the locals as soon as injured manager Lewis stepped onto the field in tracksuit bottoms and clown shoes, darted about for 5 minutes and then slunk off wheezing like a cancerous lung in a marathon.

8-3 the final score, 3 more points on the board and the title chase is looking serious again.

This Thursday was to be the event that we had all been waiting for. The public houses of E1 had their doors wide open, maidens strewn provocatively about the door ways all coveting the business of the league champions in a celebratory mood…..

…..Or at least, that was the vision, Cenamor and Finnegan opted for the journey home, Cenamor had a small cut on his knee and understandably felt the need to race home for amputation and the look in Finnegan’s eye had the unspoken glint of a man afraid to anger his better half with hearty drink with better men? We shall never know.

So the remaining soldiers marched on, like the last Neanderthals on the Rock of Gibraltar, alone, cold but never afraid. The doors of E1 were in fact shut, not the open embrace champions should expect but Private parties asunder.

7 or 8 pints and Chad Gomez’s leg breaking story told as if pitching the tale to his publisher later; London transport has sung its last screeching song for the day and the remaining drinkers were stranded.

Old street offered refuge but not without insult. As the erstwhile Corinthian revelers attempted to enter one of the local Indie bars, world renowned for a laid back attitude toward appearance and accept all way of life….Kristan was stopped at the door and turned away for being a tracksuit bottom wearing scally with no more right to be on God’s green earth than Anton Ferdinand. ‘But he owns his own recruitment business’ squeaked Lewis, realizing as this drivel emerged from his mouth just how ridiculous he sounded. The bouncer remained unmoved.

The evening wound down in Bethnal Green, in the flat of one Sonita Thompson, friend of the Corinthians.

All became peaceful, the sun came up, the birds came to life…as did Dave Brown and Kristan, Dave Brown sleeping on a stair way in his coat face down in another mans sick, ‘so that’s why my eye was stinging’ and Kristan is currently under investigation for being the late night marauder who stumbled into one of the bedrooms of the other tenants.

Lewis sacrificed sleep in favour of incoherent rambling, cider and potential heart failure all in preparation for a mid morning job interview.


A job well done on and off the pitch.
All I can say is, as Oliver Twist felt so compelled to tentatively gesture....

’sir, I want some more’…..