The first ever premier league goal was scored by Brian Deane. Proof positive that the most glamorous footballing institutions do not always begin that way and are instead often punctuated by a useless twat or a something as impressive as a discarded old sock.
(It is worth noting that if anyone has ever wondered why Middlesboro never managed to achieve the lofty goals promised by the early Brian Robson side, the fact that Robson is a useless, dithering alcoholic aside, in 1998 they signed Brian Deane from Benfica for 3 times what Benfica had paid for him just one year and 18 games earlier.)
In days gone by the Corinthians were supported by an overweight Egyptian/German who’s modus operandi was simply to run at the nearest opponent and smash him into the side walling. Not out of malice, but because he was too fat to curb his enthusiasm so to speak and momentum would drive both him and his victim through the nearest solid wall. Equally the Attlee youth centre on first impressions looks a little like a monkey house that has been converted to help the local youth find community. The pitch has on occasion been more suited to wearing a high visibility jacket and collecting the rubbish strewn about the place than it has the beautiful game.
And then came the Corinthians…..
Thursday night was a lesson in football to any who understand the game. Keiran Gardner topped the pre game headlines with a long awaited return from Australia, raising serious questions of the clubs flexible holidays policy. The clubs fortunes have far from dipped in his absence, but his return was met with much optimism.
Early signs implied that the Australian football prowess had somewhat rubbed off on him. The ever forthright Dave Brown stating post match…’you were terrible for the opening 2 minutes’. When it is considered that Gardner controlled 30% of the games possession and scored a hatful of goals, not considering assists, it seems an unfair summary of events. However these are the high standards we have come to expect. Welcome back Keiran, though do keep an eye out for your agent Olly Nevill, who may already be planning to sell you to a side in Uzbekistan to further line his pockets with transfer fees.
A 15-1 victory saw the boys in blue keeping possession for up to 5 minutes at a time; stroking the ball confidently from side to side; and never shirking the ball. It was competent football, packed with tight marking, tight passing and silken pre-booze George Best show boating.
Highlights of the evening were Cenamor’s early solo effort, Lewis’s defence splitting reverse pass for a Cenamor strike, Cenamor again with a half way howitzer and Gardner’s early goal off the wall-then-post.
Second only to this - at 13 nil, Gomez’s ever urgent one-to-one chat with the defence to attempt to shore us up for the inevitable come back? Which incidentally resulted in a goal for the opposition within about 30 seconds…..and an explosive reaction from the keeper.
There were goals for Finnegan and Brown as well, only Lewis was left out in the cold, or rather should be left out in the cold until he learns to kick the ball in a straight line.
Allen & Overy were left laughing at their own inability to get hold of the ball, remaining polite and well mannered throughout. This is the type of sporting mentality that we have come to expect from the Thursday league, though was a little like smiling and having a cup of tea whilst someone rapes your wife.
Onward, but upward? Can 20 goals really be scored in one 40 minute game? Perhaps the ever creeping return of one Andy Towning will help reach this lofty goal……..but probably not unless he scores them all himself - never having passed a football in his life unless it was into the back of the net.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Corinthians 8 - Attlee 03/12/09 Victory
The Christmas period has traditionally taken its toll on the fitness and indeed the focus of the average non professional footballing outfits.
Speaking of outfits, in the pre game changing room nonsense which has come to punctuate Corinthians games Dave Brown found a unique way to save on washing powder by identifying a stray pair of what appeared to be swimming shorts and choosing saving on washing over his visual appearance on the field of play…..then politely replaced them on the same hook that he found them on once he was done.
It is also no secret that the Corinthians are not strangers to taking their eye off the ball, often mid game and in the literal sense.
Attlee though were unlikely to pose a real threat especially under the weight of a 17 nil drubbing the previous week which was the footballing equivalent of that scene in Casino where ‘Dominic’ and ‘Nicky’ are beaten with baseball bats and buried alive. That said after initially dominating the game with debutant Kristan adding guile to the gusto as the Christmas middle class white man fatness kicked in Attlee got their heads and tails up.
If that bunch of recovering young offenders can keep putting performances like their latter 20 minutes on Thursday then in a year or two we will all fear the games against these boys, they are a talented bunch and their abilities deserve annotation. Equally it is no small co-incidence that the game swing the way of the locals as soon as injured manager Lewis stepped onto the field in tracksuit bottoms and clown shoes, darted about for 5 minutes and then slunk off wheezing like a cancerous lung in a marathon.
8-3 the final score, 3 more points on the board and the title chase is looking serious again.
This Thursday was to be the event that we had all been waiting for. The public houses of E1 had their doors wide open, maidens strewn provocatively about the door ways all coveting the business of the league champions in a celebratory mood…..
…..Or at least, that was the vision, Cenamor and Finnegan opted for the journey home, Cenamor had a small cut on his knee and understandably felt the need to race home for amputation and the look in Finnegan’s eye had the unspoken glint of a man afraid to anger his better half with hearty drink with better men? We shall never know.
So the remaining soldiers marched on, like the last Neanderthals on the Rock of Gibraltar, alone, cold but never afraid. The doors of E1 were in fact shut, not the open embrace champions should expect but Private parties asunder.
7 or 8 pints and Chad Gomez’s leg breaking story told as if pitching the tale to his publisher later; London transport has sung its last screeching song for the day and the remaining drinkers were stranded.
Old street offered refuge but not without insult. As the erstwhile Corinthian revelers attempted to enter one of the local Indie bars, world renowned for a laid back attitude toward appearance and accept all way of life….Kristan was stopped at the door and turned away for being a tracksuit bottom wearing scally with no more right to be on God’s green earth than Anton Ferdinand. ‘But he owns his own recruitment business’ squeaked Lewis, realizing as this drivel emerged from his mouth just how ridiculous he sounded. The bouncer remained unmoved.
The evening wound down in Bethnal Green, in the flat of one Sonita Thompson, friend of the Corinthians.
All became peaceful, the sun came up, the birds came to life…as did Dave Brown and Kristan, Dave Brown sleeping on a stair way in his coat face down in another mans sick, ‘so that’s why my eye was stinging’ and Kristan is currently under investigation for being the late night marauder who stumbled into one of the bedrooms of the other tenants.
Lewis sacrificed sleep in favour of incoherent rambling, cider and potential heart failure all in preparation for a mid morning job interview.
A job well done on and off the pitch.
All I can say is, as Oliver Twist felt so compelled to tentatively gesture....
’sir, I want some more’…..
Speaking of outfits, in the pre game changing room nonsense which has come to punctuate Corinthians games Dave Brown found a unique way to save on washing powder by identifying a stray pair of what appeared to be swimming shorts and choosing saving on washing over his visual appearance on the field of play…..then politely replaced them on the same hook that he found them on once he was done.
It is also no secret that the Corinthians are not strangers to taking their eye off the ball, often mid game and in the literal sense.
Attlee though were unlikely to pose a real threat especially under the weight of a 17 nil drubbing the previous week which was the footballing equivalent of that scene in Casino where ‘Dominic’ and ‘Nicky’ are beaten with baseball bats and buried alive. That said after initially dominating the game with debutant Kristan adding guile to the gusto as the Christmas middle class white man fatness kicked in Attlee got their heads and tails up.
If that bunch of recovering young offenders can keep putting performances like their latter 20 minutes on Thursday then in a year or two we will all fear the games against these boys, they are a talented bunch and their abilities deserve annotation. Equally it is no small co-incidence that the game swing the way of the locals as soon as injured manager Lewis stepped onto the field in tracksuit bottoms and clown shoes, darted about for 5 minutes and then slunk off wheezing like a cancerous lung in a marathon.
8-3 the final score, 3 more points on the board and the title chase is looking serious again.
This Thursday was to be the event that we had all been waiting for. The public houses of E1 had their doors wide open, maidens strewn provocatively about the door ways all coveting the business of the league champions in a celebratory mood…..
…..Or at least, that was the vision, Cenamor and Finnegan opted for the journey home, Cenamor had a small cut on his knee and understandably felt the need to race home for amputation and the look in Finnegan’s eye had the unspoken glint of a man afraid to anger his better half with hearty drink with better men? We shall never know.
So the remaining soldiers marched on, like the last Neanderthals on the Rock of Gibraltar, alone, cold but never afraid. The doors of E1 were in fact shut, not the open embrace champions should expect but Private parties asunder.
7 or 8 pints and Chad Gomez’s leg breaking story told as if pitching the tale to his publisher later; London transport has sung its last screeching song for the day and the remaining drinkers were stranded.
Old street offered refuge but not without insult. As the erstwhile Corinthian revelers attempted to enter one of the local Indie bars, world renowned for a laid back attitude toward appearance and accept all way of life….Kristan was stopped at the door and turned away for being a tracksuit bottom wearing scally with no more right to be on God’s green earth than Anton Ferdinand. ‘But he owns his own recruitment business’ squeaked Lewis, realizing as this drivel emerged from his mouth just how ridiculous he sounded. The bouncer remained unmoved.
The evening wound down in Bethnal Green, in the flat of one Sonita Thompson, friend of the Corinthians.
All became peaceful, the sun came up, the birds came to life…as did Dave Brown and Kristan, Dave Brown sleeping on a stair way in his coat face down in another mans sick, ‘so that’s why my eye was stinging’ and Kristan is currently under investigation for being the late night marauder who stumbled into one of the bedrooms of the other tenants.
Lewis sacrificed sleep in favour of incoherent rambling, cider and potential heart failure all in preparation for a mid morning job interview.
A job well done on and off the pitch.
All I can say is, as Oliver Twist felt so compelled to tentatively gesture....
’sir, I want some more’…..
Monday, 30 November 2009
Corinthians 17- 0 Attlee 26/11/09 Victory
Football has seen it’s whitewashes, Tottenham’s 9-1 drubbing of Wigan just the other week, in 1885 Arbroath beat Bon Accord in a Scottish Cup match 36-0, Preston North End beat Hyde United 26-0 in an FA cup match once, presumably Bon Accord and Hyde United fielded a team of Sheep that had just over eaten and acquired indigestion. Regardless, it is not uncommon for slaughter to ensue on the football pitch (often literally in South America), that though does not take away from the prestige of the execution of such glorious victories which live long in the minds of player, pundit and fan alike inspiring unfettered joy and a bench mark for future generations of the club to aspire to.
This week’s 17-0 demolition of the Attlee youth stands tall as the second biggest victory in Corinthian history (previously 21-0) and certainly the biggest since the club migrated home to London, (perhaps Everton would like to offer a consultation fee to manager Lewis on how to successful migrate a club? But then would his middle class ear be able to decipher the accents of the Scot and his Merseyside cronies?)
But where in this overwhelming display lie the heroes and villains? Where does the glory really lie?
From the off Lewis was clear, ‘early goals will finish this team off and result in an easy match’. This was in stark contrast to Finnegan’s game plan, ‘Sit tight and wear them out, then finish them off as the game progresses’, and dis-similar to Dave Brown’s which was displayed as a sort of silent performing art as the game went on, but presumably translates as, ‘no matter what the score line, show no mercy and crush these young teenagers into the side boards until they are half dead’.
Cenamor leapt into action from kick off, scoring with 4 seconds and the game was as good as over. Should you attribute this to his Endeavour or the managerial nouce that instructed it? The debate will rage as long and hard as the ‘would you rather have Pele or Maradona in your team’ argument. Incidentally the answer to that is; Maradona was a more effective game changing individual talent, but he was also a cunt, but a cunt with a lot coke to share round so it depends whether or not you could stand him, and whether you have a cocaine additction. Presumably a modern day Maradona in a Premier league team would play for Chelsea and spend his evenings in Bouji’s raping anything that came near him and repeatedly slapping bouncers with his ‘hand of God’, but the ‘hand of God’ would be a euphamism for his left hand covered in shit after fisting one of his sexual victims.
But enough of that….
There were so many goals that I lost count of who scored what.
Cenamor contributed at least 8
I definitely saw Brown rifling a fair few past the keeper, at one point about 3 in 30 seconds…
Finnegan was all over the field crushing the unfortunate oppositions attacking promise and putting them right on to the back foot again….
Gomez in goal though was keeping a vocal abacus of the number of assists that he was collecting.
5, count them 5 assists flew from his distributing glove onto the foot of the striker and into the back of the net like heat seeking missiles in an oil crisis. His very own ‘hand of God’, shit free?
Ne’re the less,
Another glorious victory and one free of the disgraceful show of conceit apparent in the clubs record 21-0 victory when the team egomaniac peppered the opposition goal for 38 minutes failing to take advantage of the goal feast, then scored in the last minute prompting him to cartwheel and scream ‘YYYEESSSS’ in the opposition faces, goal number 21, you’d think he was playing some sort of Football version of Blackjack.
Maybe he was.
Tosser.
Well done again all.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Corinthians 9 -1 JTP Victory
As history exhibits, football dynasties seldom last forever.
Incisive's shock 5-3 defeat to JTP two weeks previously could have sent the club into freefall, similar to the fates of Nottingham Forest, Leeds and more recently Liverpool.
Teams can be the best of their generation, however, events can quickly transpire to turn giants to become football has-been's.
In short, Incisive knew they had to win at all costs in the return fixture against JTP.
Both sides went into the game below strength. JTP had drawn the short straw having had the displeasure of a double-header on the same night.
Incisive were missing their player-manager, and architect of their "invincible" title winning season, Alex Lewis, who could only watch from the sideline in a rather fetching parka jacket. Some people will do anything for fashion.
Incisive, rarely moving out of first gear, were able to control the game with a superior level of passing, organisation and vision. JTP will be wishing for such ability this Christmas.
Whilst Incisive lacked much of their vintage qualities, they were able to conjure an array of chances and more importantly goals.
Brown was able to net four times on an evening he could have scored 7 or 8. However, his ability to trap the ball was clearly missing most of the time.
Cenamor offered much dynamism and was rewarded for his efforts with two well-taken goals.
Chris Finnegan, despite only getting on the score sheet once showed movement off the ball that allegedly created the goals for Cenamor and Co. CCTV from the Atlee Centre is being retrieved as evidence for this claim. As to are witness statements for Tjaardstra alleged abuse of innocent (black) bystanders after the game. If found guilty of any wrongdoing both players could be required to line up as tin soldiers at the next match for their team to fire footballs at.
Tjaardstra, who also allegedly slapped a cleaner at the weekend in a clubs toilet, and now looks set to marry Leona Lewis to appease London's black community, also managed to net two goals.
As ever Chad Gomez was dependable pulling off a number of top-class saves. Quite rightly, Gomez was critical of his teams defending, who were to blame for giving the JTP player the time to fire past the helpless keeper.
Making his belated debut, Ollie Hurrey finally joined the action with ten minutes to go. Glimpses of Hurrey's ability was visible, however, as the game was already sewn up his impact was limited on this occasion.
9-1 to Incisive was deservedly the final score. Perhaps this dynasty will flourish for a thousand years after all.
This weeks post by Dave Brown
Incisive's shock 5-3 defeat to JTP two weeks previously could have sent the club into freefall, similar to the fates of Nottingham Forest, Leeds and more recently Liverpool.
Teams can be the best of their generation, however, events can quickly transpire to turn giants to become football has-been's.
In short, Incisive knew they had to win at all costs in the return fixture against JTP.
Both sides went into the game below strength. JTP had drawn the short straw having had the displeasure of a double-header on the same night.
Incisive were missing their player-manager, and architect of their "invincible" title winning season, Alex Lewis, who could only watch from the sideline in a rather fetching parka jacket. Some people will do anything for fashion.
Incisive, rarely moving out of first gear, were able to control the game with a superior level of passing, organisation and vision. JTP will be wishing for such ability this Christmas.
Whilst Incisive lacked much of their vintage qualities, they were able to conjure an array of chances and more importantly goals.
Brown was able to net four times on an evening he could have scored 7 or 8. However, his ability to trap the ball was clearly missing most of the time.
Cenamor offered much dynamism and was rewarded for his efforts with two well-taken goals.
Chris Finnegan, despite only getting on the score sheet once showed movement off the ball that allegedly created the goals for Cenamor and Co. CCTV from the Atlee Centre is being retrieved as evidence for this claim. As to are witness statements for Tjaardstra alleged abuse of innocent (black) bystanders after the game. If found guilty of any wrongdoing both players could be required to line up as tin soldiers at the next match for their team to fire footballs at.
Tjaardstra, who also allegedly slapped a cleaner at the weekend in a clubs toilet, and now looks set to marry Leona Lewis to appease London's black community, also managed to net two goals.
As ever Chad Gomez was dependable pulling off a number of top-class saves. Quite rightly, Gomez was critical of his teams defending, who were to blame for giving the JTP player the time to fire past the helpless keeper.
Making his belated debut, Ollie Hurrey finally joined the action with ten minutes to go. Glimpses of Hurrey's ability was visible, however, as the game was already sewn up his impact was limited on this occasion.
9-1 to Incisive was deservedly the final score. Perhaps this dynasty will flourish for a thousand years after all.
This weeks post by Dave Brown
Friday, 6 November 2009
Corinthians 3 - 5 JTP Defeat.
Remember remember the fifth of November
Defeat; league trophy or not.
I see no reason why Defeat this season
Should ever be forgot...
After 14 straight victories and an unrelenting flow of eye catching football, reality finally caught up with a weary Corinthians side.
There were bad omens beneath the firework filled sky. Gomez had abandoned his lucky tracksuit bottoms, for the first time in a Corinthian shirt wearing clean ones, he was clearly worried by the decision and the under current of concern could be felt by all. This coupled with a concealing of the magical blue Nike shirts that strike terror into the hearts of opponents under a yellow bib set the scene for a story waiting to be told.
It was an unusually quiet performance from a subdued side comprising of, Lewis, Brown, Finnegan, Tjaardstra, Gomez and Glynn. From the off the movement was lack lustre and the on pitch presence absent. To get the technical observations out of the way….
As a team we did not defend properly, there is no point marking your man if you don’t think about where he is likely to run to, anticipation is more important that standing really close to him. If we have the ball, we need to ask for it, not hope that someone else will or that the man with it will pull off something magical.
There were many problems, but those two just about sum up the key problem areas.
That said, you don’t win 14 games in a row and suddenly become a bad team and even in disappointing conditions the opening goal went to the boys in blue shirts and yellow bibs. For 25 minutes it stayed that way, shots pelting the JTP goal though mostly directly at the goal keeper’s feet, something only England keepers under Steve Mclaren seem to struggle with, before a baffling collapse allowed a very competent JTP to score 5 very good goals that they fully deserved.
It has always been a Corinthian trait that in such conditions someone raises their game for the rest to follow and this time it was sparked by a lucky Lewis goal that zipped between the keepers legs, presumably he had been tutored under Mclaren at SOME point in his illustrious career. From here on in it was all battle, the type that had been missing and the score was dragged back to 5-3 by Brown and could have been a game saved on a different day.
Arguably more embarrassing than the score line was a free kick that went our way with about 45 seconds left on the clock; The ball was rolled toward the spot, then rolled past it, then kicked toward it, then rolled past it, within a few attempts it had started to look like the England cricket team trying to field in a one day match against Australia. A JTP player, from this juncture in known as ‘that cunt’, took it upon himself to repeatedly flick the ball away and step over it to let it under his legs as the outstretched arms of Finnegan chased it around him like Benny Hill after he’s put his back out lifting a box in the incorrect fashion. There was a sending of for ..’that cunt’ and enraged Corinthians everywhere. I don’t mind that much though because be he ‘that cunt’ or not, it was fucking funny to watch.
Any way, remember remember the 5th of November and we won’t make those mistakes again.
We have the trophy and our little plastic medals, now let’s keep it lest ‘that cunt’ take any pleasure out of yesterday and let’s win another 14 games in row. EASY!
Friday, 30 October 2009
Crash Bang Wollop, what a come back: Corinthians 6 - 4 Allen &Overy
As Halloween approaches a festive fear of witches and Catholics will most likely spread through London
It was just such a curse, the 6pm curse that nearly nobbled the invincible’s on a temperate Thursday at the end of October. Rushing to prepare the discord and lack of readiness rang out to the tune of, ‘I’ve got bloody spiders in my shoes’. Something about Nevill’s anguished cry suggested that this is an oft trodden household problem and ghoulishly relevant to the annual calendar as we saw at the end of the game, when the now suspected witch Olly Nevill left the Attlee building with spiders crawling out of his jacket.
It turns out that if you are ten minutes late you begin a game a goal down. This was nonchalantly observed by the Corinthians and their spider housing witch, though perhaps the confidence was misplaced as the early tussles all went the way of the opposition. The game launched at a frantic pace that afforded Allen & Overy the opportunity to take advantage of a few lapses in concentration and pick up a penalty for a back pass and when Lewis afforded the striker a yard of space he left Gomes standing. With only about 5 minutes gone, a 3 nil deficit was sending visible concern that the long awaiting bubble bursting defeat was about to court the Corinthians with all the elegance of Marlon King at a debutants ball.
Thankfully, the Corinthians are a resilient and naturally gifted bunch of fellows. The performance from this point in was a thing to beholden and strength, speed of though and some fantastic passing exchanges in and around the flawless on pitch movement were to win the day.
Waxing lyrical about this god like performance whilst preparing a bowl of ambrosia and wearing my golden fleece is very tempting, but I thought that this week we’d let the team tell the story in their on inimitable words:
CHRIS:
We went 3-0 down (starting 1-0 down because we were late – which is ridiculous), then I came off the bench did a 1-2 with you to open the scoring which personally I think was the turning point! We cruised to 5-3 I think from there.
Deian scored a pen, Phil hit the bar/post 4 times from one shot and I set a record for number of free kicks conceded in 5 mins. Chad
PHIL:
I know I got ONE! – the clincher!
The all important sixth.
I am conveniently trying to forget the 12 I fucked up and am more happy to recall the ONE! (and maybe the one that hit the post and the one that hit the bar twice and the post)
Sorry about turning on shooting all the time – it happens when ‘strikers’ go through barren spells.
I’ll be like Darren Bent and they will be going in off my arse in the next game.
OLLY (witch):
After some silky action on the right flank I fed you the ball inside and you buried it!!!
I scored 1 also 2 for Dejan 1 for Finners 1 for Phil!
I think that is it!!!
I couldn’t have put it better myself.
Once the lurking shady threat of spellbinding has passed over us, I shall see you all next week.
Monday, 26 October 2009
Corinthians 6 - 0 AIR
As the list of Corinthian victories grows longer the ‘invincibles’ have an ever mounting reputation to protect. This is the type of pressure that broke the Roman Empire. As yet though, the Corinthians are enjoying the halcyon days of unity and success befitting the earlier Augustan rule, with a good couple of centuries and the birth of a messiah to go before the inevitable faction fighting and relenting of territory to a bunch of marauding barbarians.
Thursday night saw yet another clinical display from the imperial forces, I mean the Corinthians. Davison, Cenamor, Gomes, Brown, Lewis and Tjaardstra lined up in an attack minded fashion to face one of the Attlee league new boys. There was added pep to the occasion with the as yet unquantifiable opposition being lead by one of Cenamor’s house mates meaning that house hold bragging rights were on the five aside pitch shaped table.
2 goals for Brown, 1 for Lewis, 2 for Cenamor, 1 for Tjaardstra made the score line a secure looking 6-0 by the final whistle, there is also rumours afoot that City Fives are investing in reinforced crossbars to cope with the sheer number and force of Davison hammer blows. It was the usual story for the Champions though, early dominance and fluid motion slowly winding down into the type of red faced wheezing and lumbering over confidence which bellows out like Brian Blessed having a coughing fit calling to Gomez to make his now trademark collection of empirically impossible reaction saves to keep the goal out of reach of the opposition.
There was no concealing the zeal of Cenamor as he immediately took the game by the scruff of the neck in a running pitch battle with his housemate resulting in him coming out on top, but at the expense of his mobility. Doctors say, he may never walk again and there will be a club collection sent round to see if we can gather enough money together for a discarded NHS wheel chair, or at least a pair of Heely’s trainer Skates and a piece of string to pull him around London on.
The opposition where no push over though and it should be noted that with a bit more recruitment and practice, there may be grudge match of begrudgingly grudge like proportions awaiting us in December.
Friday, 16 October 2009
Corinthians 6 - 1 Hawthorn Tomkins
Paul Bryant once said, ‘Show class, have pride and display character. If you do, winning takes care of itself’.
But who was Paul Bryant? He was an American Football coach who wore a hounds tooth hat and generally coached teams that won all the time. He was famed for wearing only one piece of jewelry, a ring that said, ‘the junction boys’ on it.
I am having a giant sovereign ring with ‘the Incisive lads’ emblazoned on it. Presumably when I die of a massive heart attack in a local hospital people will assume that this is some kind of homosexual homage rather than the sense of sentimental loyalty and identity that it was intended to indicate. That will be due to my anonymity, so to avoid it, I intend to die on the grounds of the Attlee community centre, thus appearing more like a hounds tooth hat wearing paedophile and groomer of the less fortunate than simply some old gay man.
You just can’t win.
But the Corinthian can 6-1 in fact.
The usual inauspicious beginnings rang in the air. 4 men, one withered old alchie, one peanut lunged hangover, a walking flu and a goal keeper in the midst of a never ending perpetual party lumbered into the changing rooms, but LO, who should show his rosy face to make up the 5 men, Finnegan, half cut but brimming with enthusiasm.
It took hawthorn just 30 seconds to bag goal number one after a subdued Lewis failed to show sufficient strength losing out to the Hawthorn black cat, mound of muscle who slammed the ball past Gomez.
Creeping doubt was apparent on the blue side of the pitch, but it didn’t last. The lungs may have been wheezing, the legs wobbling, but the natural footballing intelligence of the side in blue shined through…which rhymes.
Sensible defending and fantastic movement and distribution won the day.
The highlights were the relentless fervour of the goal keeper, prompting moans of disbelief from the opposition:
Cenamor’s 4 goals including the nutmeg nearly goal:
Glynn’s modus operandi fake kick at the ball, before the whistle had even gone for the kick to be taken. Unforgiving psychological war fare:
Finnegans unselfish release into the path of Cenamor in a 2 touch each passing movement that went through the entire side.
And finally, the broken shell of man that was Lewis, finally pulling himself together to deliver the killer blow 6 th goal out of nothing.
The celebrations were noticeable, a team that knows it just played incredibly well against the odds.
May it long continue, until the ultimate decline of an anonymous manager in a hounds tooth hat.
Friday, 9 October 2009
Corinthians 6- 2 Hawthorn Tompkins
Joan Osborne once asked us, ‘What if God was one of us? What would you do?’.
Well if he was playing for a 5 aside team facing the Corinthians, we’d put him to the proverbial sword, not just because the physical sword would inevitably have little effect on a supernatural being, but because quite frankly, we’d be better than him.
It was an ‘Incisive’ performance from the Corinthians last night as the purported challengers for the crown were swept aside 6-2 in what was indisputably the finest performance of the season.
Not all the signs were initially auspicious, the goal keeper and the appointed striking option having been on the ‘sauce’, (more Smirnoff than shirts smeared with HP brown sauce), and the Corinthians were subjected to the psychological warfare indignity of having to change in the ladies toilets. It was clear though from the whistle that this game was only ever going to go one way.
Going forward the movement was lucid and intelligent, one two’s, a confident air on the ball and probing through balls and shooting characterized the blue side of Aldgate’s game. In defence, the recovery runs were relentless, the positioning and sharpness of organization was as if the team was of one mind and the tackling dogged but fair. It was a thing to beholden and not even the second coming emerging from an Aldgate based tomb would have torn any crowds eye from such scintillating football.
Cenamor used his boozed up swagger to confident effect, holding on to the ball and taunting the opposition with the footwork of Muhammed Ali: 1 goal
Brown clocked in for his shift bagged two goals and ensured that in the final 10 minutes there was a giant between the opposition and the football intelligently holding it up and keeping the ball with the Corinthians whenever the game threatened to get a little loose. 2 goals
Finnegan worked like a man who’d just completed a Rocky VI montage sequence and was saving the world from communism with his performance, no man could escape tackling of this fervour. 1 goal
Gomes had little to do, but the best keepers inspire the best defensive performances, and there aren’t superlatives enough for the speed of thought for the throw out 1-2’s with the players that knocked it back to him and then headed goalward.
Tjaadstra emerged as man of the match playing football more akin to a seasoned professional than a journalist with his shorts pulled up in Stewart Pearce fashion under his armpits (!!) His positioning was excellent going forward and back, reactions fast and is that just a haircut or have you lost weight? Are you Andy Reid? 1 goal
Lewis, just pleased to be there. 1 goal.
So the title is won in emphatic undefeated style, Ali in his pomp, Paxman on a roll, Man United 9-0 Swindon , Blair in 1997, The sermon on the mount……
…..aint got nothin’ on us.
See you next week for the next exciting instalment…..!
Friday, 28 August 2009
Corinthians vs Attlee 9-3 victory
In 1099, the warriors of the First Crusade entered the city of Jerusalem, and lead by Godfrey of Bouillon they spent 7 full days butchering the starving terrified Moslem community.
As it was yesterday as the mighty Corinthians of European/Christian descent clashed head to head with the Ramadan fasting Moslem opposition of Attlee.
The weak, battle weary forces of Islam having suffered heavy defeat in their previous outing looked famished of inspiration, when in fact, they were actually famished. Still, with the return of Davison and the debut of Mounsey the hunger of the likely champions was never going to be in question, which was suitably ironic given the condition of the oppositions eating patterns.
The butchery began immediately and from the first goal on it was never going to go the way of the infidels as everything they touched drifted the way of the Christian God.
2 goals from Brown including a penalty
A hatrick from Cenamor
2 from debutant Mounsey
2 from the captain
And 9-3 was the final score on a damp squib of a night.
Only Davison failed to make the score line, which when we are all booted out of Jerusalem will probably prove enough to spare his life.
September 10th for the next title deciding match. The tension mounts.
As it was yesterday as the mighty Corinthians of European/Christian descent clashed head to head with the Ramadan fasting Moslem opposition of Attlee.
The weak, battle weary forces of Islam having suffered heavy defeat in their previous outing looked famished of inspiration, when in fact, they were actually famished. Still, with the return of Davison and the debut of Mounsey the hunger of the likely champions was never going to be in question, which was suitably ironic given the condition of the oppositions eating patterns.
The butchery began immediately and from the first goal on it was never going to go the way of the infidels as everything they touched drifted the way of the Christian God.
2 goals from Brown including a penalty
A hatrick from Cenamor
2 from debutant Mounsey
2 from the captain
And 9-3 was the final score on a damp squib of a night.
Only Davison failed to make the score line, which when we are all booted out of Jerusalem will probably prove enough to spare his life.
September 10th for the next title deciding match. The tension mounts.
Friday, 21 August 2009
20/08/2009 Corinthian match report 3-2 Victory
There are grudge matches like Spurs – West ham, deep vitriolic rivalries like the early millennia Man United – Arsenal running midfield battles and then there is the deep undercurrent of disdain that characterizes an early evening crowd less game of 5aside between the Corinthians and Brewin. It’s the type of pitch battle that is spoken of decades later with protagonists being elevated to the status of leg hacker, raging beasts and bile spitting filthy animals.
Last nights clash was simmering, not quite the Vesuvius eruption that it could have been but certainly the earthquake that pre-empts a tsunami, wiping out homes and ruining lives.
A slow start for the Corinthians allowed Brewin to gain confidence and find their feet. Before the cobwebs could be blown from the closets of the blues, Brewin had grabbed a soft 2 goal lead. It was the type of atmosphere and sense of dread that but a season ago would have lead to a capitulation and ultimate defeat. These days though Corinthians are a different proposition, battle hardened and intelligent on the field.
A process of rebuild began, more possession, keep ball regardless of progression toward the opposition goal. A few diagonal runs began to surface, the occasional one-two all building pressure on the Brewin defensive line.
The first goal was forced through a crack, the slightest of openings and there was no going back. Brewin began dropping their shoulder into players making runs off the ball, shoving players in the chest and the psychological warfare that is constant complaining and appealing. Inevitably the Corinthians reacted in kind.
Deian nearly killed a man in the corner of the park. A fair challenge but against a wall, resulting in the victim clutching at his wounds like he’d just emerged from a napalm attack. Brown standing firm toward the end to see a much smaller challenger crunch into the floor with the force of a man who’d just fallen 10,000 feet from above. The clips, niggles and shoves were constant and unrelenting.
It wasn’t long before the Corinthian equalizer emerged and after one great stop from Gomez there was no looking back.
At the last, a sharp passing movement left Cenamor with not a little to do as he pushed past the defender and slotted home to a roar of satisfaction from the team.
Worthy of mention was the Brewin secret weapon. In goal they kept a rabid salivating beast of man as if someone had enraged a panther by shaving it, putting it on a chained leash and making it wear a pair of adidas tracksuit bottoms.
The final 5 minutes saw him tear out from between the sticks bearing down on Brown, Finnegan and Lewis, chops flapping in the wind, teeth bare and snarl eminent.
Brown trapped him in the corner, Lewis turned him and Finnegan coaxed him into what looked more like a case of GBH warranting several years in jail than a tackle.
But it was to no end. 3 more points, 6 in 6 and the championship in sight. The television rights for next season will be quite the windfall.
Last nights clash was simmering, not quite the Vesuvius eruption that it could have been but certainly the earthquake that pre-empts a tsunami, wiping out homes and ruining lives.
A slow start for the Corinthians allowed Brewin to gain confidence and find their feet. Before the cobwebs could be blown from the closets of the blues, Brewin had grabbed a soft 2 goal lead. It was the type of atmosphere and sense of dread that but a season ago would have lead to a capitulation and ultimate defeat. These days though Corinthians are a different proposition, battle hardened and intelligent on the field.
A process of rebuild began, more possession, keep ball regardless of progression toward the opposition goal. A few diagonal runs began to surface, the occasional one-two all building pressure on the Brewin defensive line.
The first goal was forced through a crack, the slightest of openings and there was no going back. Brewin began dropping their shoulder into players making runs off the ball, shoving players in the chest and the psychological warfare that is constant complaining and appealing. Inevitably the Corinthians reacted in kind.
Deian nearly killed a man in the corner of the park. A fair challenge but against a wall, resulting in the victim clutching at his wounds like he’d just emerged from a napalm attack. Brown standing firm toward the end to see a much smaller challenger crunch into the floor with the force of a man who’d just fallen 10,000 feet from above. The clips, niggles and shoves were constant and unrelenting.
It wasn’t long before the Corinthian equalizer emerged and after one great stop from Gomez there was no looking back.
At the last, a sharp passing movement left Cenamor with not a little to do as he pushed past the defender and slotted home to a roar of satisfaction from the team.
Worthy of mention was the Brewin secret weapon. In goal they kept a rabid salivating beast of man as if someone had enraged a panther by shaving it, putting it on a chained leash and making it wear a pair of adidas tracksuit bottoms.
The final 5 minutes saw him tear out from between the sticks bearing down on Brown, Finnegan and Lewis, chops flapping in the wind, teeth bare and snarl eminent.
Brown trapped him in the corner, Lewis turned him and Finnegan coaxed him into what looked more like a case of GBH warranting several years in jail than a tackle.
But it was to no end. 3 more points, 6 in 6 and the championship in sight. The television rights for next season will be quite the windfall.
13/08/2009 Corinthians Match report 5-4 Victory
This is D day, 5 games in with 5 wins to our name and Hawthorn, Attlee and Brewin to go, the battle is won but Victory in Commercial Street day is still a long way off.
Alexander Pope once said: Our business in the field of fight, Is not to question, but to prove our might.
We will live by this mantra:
Benjamin Franklin once said: We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.
I’m worried that one might be misconstrued in post match showers so ignore it.
The Corinthians raced to glory with a 5-1 lead 20 minutes into the match against a battle weary Brewin side. The football was majestic and the referee decisions flowed the way of the Corinthian with the momentum of a fat child rolling down a hill….presumably after being pushed. The final nail in the coffin of his insecurities that leads to a general sense of misanthropy an emersion in the Catcher in the Rye and inevitably him bringing a shot gun to school and killing 15 fellow pupils before dressing as private Pile and blowing his own fat brains out.
2 penalties soundly rounded off by Finnegan, Deian waltzed down the middle of the pitch, the opposition parting like the red sea before the inevitable shot rifled past the keeper. There was even a goal for Lewis. Whether the gasps that followed were awe or the ugly whispers of surprise we shan’t speculate.
All was well.
Suddenly Brewin turned on their characteristic steel, forcing mistake after mistake from a complacent Corinthians. Suddenly it was 5-4 and confidence was racked, if hadn’t been for the goal keeping heroics of Gomez all could have been lost. They just kept coming and the Corinthians looked like Frank Bruno, casually leaning on the ropes whilst Mike Tyson drove his ten tonne truck fists repeatedly into his jaw.
The grit and tenacity of Tjaadstra and Neville proved vital, dragging the game by the scruff of it’s neck back into an even battle, forcing yet another penalty, this time Finnegans mind games with the keeper proved inadequate and it was left to Cenamor to mis queue a strike after fantastic build up play the trickled under the keepers body and into the net for the 2 goal cushion.
A cushion that proved vital as it was suddenly 6-5 and a Brewin penalty was awarded. Heroics and perfect technique from Gomez saved the day and there was no looking back. Suddenly it was about keep ball and tackling so aggressive that it wouldn’t have been out place in the NFL.
The finest time wasting incident was when Lewis tracked the ball into the corner, defying physics he held off the two opposing players with arms which resemble something that might usually be found on a Barbie doll, then clung to the fence like a screeching spider monkey whilst they hacked at his legs. Help arrived in the guise of Deian juggernaught Glyn, plowing into the back of an unsuspecting Brewin player and taking over the role of ball hacker.
The final whistle rang out to the relief of all but Tjaadstra who’s final shot of the game was rolling into the back of the net, now uncounted, irrelevant, passed over like a woman for promotion in a 70’s office.
A hard fought victory, but we have to play them all over again next week, so the story is only half told.
See you then!
Alexander Pope once said: Our business in the field of fight, Is not to question, but to prove our might.
We will live by this mantra:
Benjamin Franklin once said: We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.
I’m worried that one might be misconstrued in post match showers so ignore it.
The Corinthians raced to glory with a 5-1 lead 20 minutes into the match against a battle weary Brewin side. The football was majestic and the referee decisions flowed the way of the Corinthian with the momentum of a fat child rolling down a hill….presumably after being pushed. The final nail in the coffin of his insecurities that leads to a general sense of misanthropy an emersion in the Catcher in the Rye and inevitably him bringing a shot gun to school and killing 15 fellow pupils before dressing as private Pile and blowing his own fat brains out.
2 penalties soundly rounded off by Finnegan, Deian waltzed down the middle of the pitch, the opposition parting like the red sea before the inevitable shot rifled past the keeper. There was even a goal for Lewis. Whether the gasps that followed were awe or the ugly whispers of surprise we shan’t speculate.
All was well.
Suddenly Brewin turned on their characteristic steel, forcing mistake after mistake from a complacent Corinthians. Suddenly it was 5-4 and confidence was racked, if hadn’t been for the goal keeping heroics of Gomez all could have been lost. They just kept coming and the Corinthians looked like Frank Bruno, casually leaning on the ropes whilst Mike Tyson drove his ten tonne truck fists repeatedly into his jaw.
The grit and tenacity of Tjaadstra and Neville proved vital, dragging the game by the scruff of it’s neck back into an even battle, forcing yet another penalty, this time Finnegans mind games with the keeper proved inadequate and it was left to Cenamor to mis queue a strike after fantastic build up play the trickled under the keepers body and into the net for the 2 goal cushion.
A cushion that proved vital as it was suddenly 6-5 and a Brewin penalty was awarded. Heroics and perfect technique from Gomez saved the day and there was no looking back. Suddenly it was about keep ball and tackling so aggressive that it wouldn’t have been out place in the NFL.
The finest time wasting incident was when Lewis tracked the ball into the corner, defying physics he held off the two opposing players with arms which resemble something that might usually be found on a Barbie doll, then clung to the fence like a screeching spider monkey whilst they hacked at his legs. Help arrived in the guise of Deian juggernaught Glyn, plowing into the back of an unsuspecting Brewin player and taking over the role of ball hacker.
The final whistle rang out to the relief of all but Tjaadstra who’s final shot of the game was rolling into the back of the net, now uncounted, irrelevant, passed over like a woman for promotion in a 70’s office.
A hard fought victory, but we have to play them all over again next week, so the story is only half told.
See you then!
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