22/04.
Soon that date will ring with the same resonance as 09/11. The day the Corinthians fell. A mourning public dressed in black for a full week after the Corinthians were defeated 4-1 by Bloomberg in a game that President Obama described as, ‘A dark day for football, a dark day for humanity and a day that I give you my word as President, will not be repeated’.
The Corinthians await the funding and support of the entire American nation.
Just as soon as they cleaned up the 40 billion tones of oil that they’ve splattered all over the globe, probably wiping out every endangered species on the planet in one foul swoop.
It had to be rectified. The unfortunate recipients of the wrath of a wounded giant were to be JTP. But not just any old JTP side. Contained within their ranks was a snake in the grass, a guerilla in the mist, a Gorilla in the office…..one of the Bloomberg football terrorists, a ginger bubble bursting bastard with the playing style of Vinny Jones and the social graces of…..Vinny Jones.
The Corinthians lined up to warm up:
Lewis
Finnegan
Gomez
Cenamor
Murray
Brown
And er, Barry.
With one confidence annihilating swipe at the ball, Finnegan launched the football 163 miles in the air and sliced off down the hill. Retrieving the ball he then attempted to rectify the situation by dropping the football back into the warm up area with a simple dink over the netting. Unfortunately he has a bionic leg and a soapy foot so the ball instead this time reached 194 miles in height and landed lost, forever trapped in the balcony of the attached office building.
Confidence shattered, the blues took to the field.
It was a slow start, the Corinthians clearly suffering from an inertia that seems suspiciously linked to the beginning of the summer ‘party season’.
Football is game of priorities and looking around the field a heavy legged Lewis was slow into his tackles, Cenamor seems to have chosen a diet of 40 cigarettes and a KFC per day over new trainers, having bound the flapping sole of the shoe to his foot using some sort childrens plaster and Gomez seems to have become so pre-occupied with whether or not to by new goal keeping gloves that he was once caught dreaming of that halcyon purchase and beaten from an absurdly tight angle.
None the less the Corinthians were on top.
It wasn’t long before a 1-0 lead opened up.
A great Dave Brown finish getting the team back where they belong: In front, up top, swanning about like champions.
The cameoing ‘Barry’ showed why Scotland isn’t all a land of Colin Calderwood’s with an excellent performance that helped boost the under performing Corinthians with some intelligent movement and excellent passing vision.
There were cracks though. The Bloomberg cuckoo in the JTP nest was causing problems. Eventually the equalizer arrived after in the style of the talentless but relentless Geoff Horsfield he charged down the flank forcing 2 superb stops from Gomez (who incidentally made some sublime saves throughout the game) off rebounding balls before slotting home. Entirely Lewis’s fault who simply stood behind him watching. Presumably still dreaming of his Paris sojourn and re-acclimatising to just how ugly people in Britain are capable of being….
There was though little cause for concern. At times Corinthian passing movements touched every man on the field before finally forcing a stretched save from what should have been an easily beatable keeper.
There was a penalty given to the Corinthians that caused flutters of concern amongst those present on the catastrophic 22/04.
Both Brown & Cenamor had done their family names an un-reversable shame and missed penalties, so as soon as the decision was given Murray took control. ‘THIS IS MINE’. There was no way another Blue was getting his mitts on the ball without a fight.
And who fights with a Scotsman? Only a Scandinavian in a horned hat on LSD or English gentry wielding considerably more advance weaponry is who…..or Roy Keane and he was busy.
Murray executed perfectly.
Cenamor slotted home 2 excellent finishes despite playing in shoes that he appears to have found on the side of a railway bank
Brown found time for a second
Lewis blasted home his first in 3 games
And then there was Finnegan……….
The nick name developing Finnegan (Fingers Finnegan in the office…..his alter ego GEORGE ..ask me later about this one….)…
A torrid 8 minute spell saw Finnegan strike the ball at angles only ex disaster signing Alex Ferguson was previously thought to be capable of. Launching every ball that came near him over the nets and into the distance whilst under little or no pressure was clearly beginning to wear on George Fingers Finnegan, the shame clearly apparent on a beetroot red face……
…Was it all over for him? Politicians have resigned over less….Full of the steely will characteristic of Corinthians though, he would not give up regardless of the scale of gaff…much like Gordon Brown…..
Unlike Mr Brown though, it eventually paid dividends….
Chris, George, Gordon Brown, Fingers Finnegan, composed himself and approaching a dropping ball from just inside his own half, caught the perfect ground skimming volley and smashed the ball past the defeated JTP keeper for goal of the game.
All was forgiven and Lewis called off the sniper hit man with a wave to the ramparts.
7-3
Back to winning ways but as the new tops draw ever nearer, vintage class must greet them in the next exciting installment of….
…THE CORINTHIANS.
Friday, 30 April 2010
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Corinthians 6 -6 AIR World Wide
Gordon Brown has called his election. Parliament will soon be dissolved. Every voter from the furthest left to the furthest right is screaming at the top of their voices…’I DON’T WANT TO VOTE FOR ANY OF THESE CLOWNS’.
Re-invigoration of the voter, the political landscape and the economy are all eagerly awaited…..
….not so eagerly as the re-invigoration of a Corinthians side on the wane……the characteristic swagger, the ease of gear change over any footballing terrain…….all present but encumbered by the assumption of victory, a lack of punctuality and an unfortunate case of CHAD GOMEZ AND THE WRONG TROUSERS (the dramatisation of which will be available on DVD in the summer).
Air world wide were out early, warming up in team formation, they were making a case for a ‘game of it’. As per 6pm KO tradition, the majority of the Corinthians were scattered across London like soldiers on a 1916 battle field desperately searching for their own limbs.
Racing out with the best that they could make the field with:
Chad Gomez: - sporting a different pair of track suit bottoms for only the second time in his Corinthian career
Dave Brown: - incensed by the ineptness of his compatriots
Alex Lewis: - with one operational leg after being brutally cut down in a previous game
Kieran Gardner: - playing as a paid professional after Olly Nevill covered his fees
Already 1 nil down due to lateness it quickly slipped to a 3 nil deficit. A mis-cued trickler skimmed past Gomez and a rocket from the right found the net.
As usual the football from the blues was intelligent and well structured, but the shot’s that peppered Air worldwide’s net hit posts, bar and goalkeeper, never the net.
On a slippy pitch the Corinthians couldn’t get going, taking 3 touches just to get the ball under control meant that the intelligent man on man marking strategy of AIR limited pace and encouraged a rushed pass.
Davison arrived to make the 5 with Murray & Dunkley emerging as 6th & 7th man as the case for the counter attack began. Slowly the competence crept back into the Blues always probing for that first goal….
Then suddenly, Murray slotted home the first, his finish (silver) foxing the keeper and finding the left hand corner. The game was afoot.
An expected thunderous onslaught never quite emerged though. The Corinthians WMD’s turned out to be little more than vast oil revenues to be strategically plundered….
As the AIR FIFTH bounced off the foot of an unfortunate Lewis and left Gomes travelling in the wrong direction and trickled into the net….a 5-1 gap had opened up and to a neutral, the game must have seemed over.
Luckily the Corinthians are adorned with the arrogance, madness (and libido’s) of Lord Bath and the kind of wildly unjustified sense of self belief that follows Kieran Richardson around but used to follow Robbie Savage around until he caught a glimpse of himself in a Derby county football kit in the mirror…then probably had to be counseled down from a roof top.
All was not lost. The fact is that we had been playing well and all we needed to do was stop letting them score! A simple philosophy.
Despite some scintillating exchanges opening the opposition up between Lewis, Davison and Gardner the game simply wouldn’t swing. Even the Lewis trade mark free kick off the heel into space left Brown & earlier Murray wrong footed and considering smashing Lewis’s face through the wall for trying to be clever whilst 5-1 down.
Gradually though opportunity evolved….
A penalty, dispatched by Brown in front of Sunderland scout Davison can only have served to further his life long dream to be picked in a first team ahead of Darren Bent….
Davison slotted home from close range to finish off a fine move..
A Murray strike bouncing off the inside of the wall and back into the AIR net
Suddenly it was 5-4
Surely, surely now…….but like all good stories, on the cusp of a sweeping victory one final setback emerged……
A SIXTH AIR goal.
The curse of Gomez’s tracksuit bottoms hung heavy over the Blue’s. The last time that Gomez had adorned alternative goal keeping attire a defeat to JTP had been the result and here we were with 4 minutes left, 6-4 down.
Rumour has it that Gomez doesn’t have different pairs of tracksuit bottoms, he actually has 2 pairs of legs. It’s just that the ones in the grey tracksuit bottoms are in fact bionic.
There was still time for drama…..
…Brown stepping up for a second penalty. There was no way he could score twice, not by hitting the ball the same way? Surely, our luck just wouldn’t hold?
GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLL
6-5.
Substituting himself for Dunkley, Lewis watched from the side lines resigned to defeat, helplessly watching from the side as Davison, Dunkley, Gardner, Gomez and Brown faced a back 4 of solid green determined to protect their lead for one last minute….it had something of the Dunkirk about it and the Corinthians needed a more of a ‘bridge too far’…….glorious defensive effort underpinned with eventual retreat and failure…..
Dunkley collected the ball on the left, turned his man, raced down the line into the no mans land of the corner of a 5 aside pitch. He cut in toward the goal wrestling off the rough housing defender, he drew back the trigger….
…..’DON’T F***ING SHOOT FROM THERE’ Lewis screamed in his head…….Dunkley prepared to squander the final attack of the game…all was lost, the fans baying for Lewis’s managerial blood, why oh why had he brought Dunkley back on at this critical juncture………..
The shot rifled from Dunkley’s foot squeezing between keeper and near post, busting the net, instant heroism, instant legendary status, instant comeback!
The official greatest comeback top 3 in the guiness book of records now reads:
3- Britain (WW2)
2- Liverpool vs AC MILAN
1- The Corinthians vs AIR
That….is…..a…..FACT.
Re-invigoration of the voter, the political landscape and the economy are all eagerly awaited…..
….not so eagerly as the re-invigoration of a Corinthians side on the wane……the characteristic swagger, the ease of gear change over any footballing terrain…….all present but encumbered by the assumption of victory, a lack of punctuality and an unfortunate case of CHAD GOMEZ AND THE WRONG TROUSERS (the dramatisation of which will be available on DVD in the summer).
Air world wide were out early, warming up in team formation, they were making a case for a ‘game of it’. As per 6pm KO tradition, the majority of the Corinthians were scattered across London like soldiers on a 1916 battle field desperately searching for their own limbs.
Racing out with the best that they could make the field with:
Chad Gomez: - sporting a different pair of track suit bottoms for only the second time in his Corinthian career
Dave Brown: - incensed by the ineptness of his compatriots
Alex Lewis: - with one operational leg after being brutally cut down in a previous game
Kieran Gardner: - playing as a paid professional after Olly Nevill covered his fees
Already 1 nil down due to lateness it quickly slipped to a 3 nil deficit. A mis-cued trickler skimmed past Gomez and a rocket from the right found the net.
As usual the football from the blues was intelligent and well structured, but the shot’s that peppered Air worldwide’s net hit posts, bar and goalkeeper, never the net.
On a slippy pitch the Corinthians couldn’t get going, taking 3 touches just to get the ball under control meant that the intelligent man on man marking strategy of AIR limited pace and encouraged a rushed pass.
Davison arrived to make the 5 with Murray & Dunkley emerging as 6th & 7th man as the case for the counter attack began. Slowly the competence crept back into the Blues always probing for that first goal….
Then suddenly, Murray slotted home the first, his finish (silver) foxing the keeper and finding the left hand corner. The game was afoot.
An expected thunderous onslaught never quite emerged though. The Corinthians WMD’s turned out to be little more than vast oil revenues to be strategically plundered….
As the AIR FIFTH bounced off the foot of an unfortunate Lewis and left Gomes travelling in the wrong direction and trickled into the net….a 5-1 gap had opened up and to a neutral, the game must have seemed over.
Luckily the Corinthians are adorned with the arrogance, madness (and libido’s) of Lord Bath and the kind of wildly unjustified sense of self belief that follows Kieran Richardson around but used to follow Robbie Savage around until he caught a glimpse of himself in a Derby county football kit in the mirror…then probably had to be counseled down from a roof top.
All was not lost. The fact is that we had been playing well and all we needed to do was stop letting them score! A simple philosophy.
Despite some scintillating exchanges opening the opposition up between Lewis, Davison and Gardner the game simply wouldn’t swing. Even the Lewis trade mark free kick off the heel into space left Brown & earlier Murray wrong footed and considering smashing Lewis’s face through the wall for trying to be clever whilst 5-1 down.
Gradually though opportunity evolved….
A penalty, dispatched by Brown in front of Sunderland scout Davison can only have served to further his life long dream to be picked in a first team ahead of Darren Bent….
Davison slotted home from close range to finish off a fine move..
A Murray strike bouncing off the inside of the wall and back into the AIR net
Suddenly it was 5-4
Surely, surely now…….but like all good stories, on the cusp of a sweeping victory one final setback emerged……
A SIXTH AIR goal.
The curse of Gomez’s tracksuit bottoms hung heavy over the Blue’s. The last time that Gomez had adorned alternative goal keeping attire a defeat to JTP had been the result and here we were with 4 minutes left, 6-4 down.
Rumour has it that Gomez doesn’t have different pairs of tracksuit bottoms, he actually has 2 pairs of legs. It’s just that the ones in the grey tracksuit bottoms are in fact bionic.
There was still time for drama…..
…Brown stepping up for a second penalty. There was no way he could score twice, not by hitting the ball the same way? Surely, our luck just wouldn’t hold?
GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLL
6-5.
Substituting himself for Dunkley, Lewis watched from the side lines resigned to defeat, helplessly watching from the side as Davison, Dunkley, Gardner, Gomez and Brown faced a back 4 of solid green determined to protect their lead for one last minute….it had something of the Dunkirk about it and the Corinthians needed a more of a ‘bridge too far’…….glorious defensive effort underpinned with eventual retreat and failure…..
Dunkley collected the ball on the left, turned his man, raced down the line into the no mans land of the corner of a 5 aside pitch. He cut in toward the goal wrestling off the rough housing defender, he drew back the trigger….
…..’DON’T F***ING SHOOT FROM THERE’ Lewis screamed in his head…….Dunkley prepared to squander the final attack of the game…all was lost, the fans baying for Lewis’s managerial blood, why oh why had he brought Dunkley back on at this critical juncture………..
The shot rifled from Dunkley’s foot squeezing between keeper and near post, busting the net, instant heroism, instant legendary status, instant comeback!
The official greatest comeback top 3 in the guiness book of records now reads:
3- Britain (WW2)
2- Liverpool vs AC MILAN
1- The Corinthians vs AIR
That….is…..a…..FACT.
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